Let it go 

Don't think 

Don't do 

Don't stress 

Don't get upset 

Just chill 

scar scar scar

I kept telling myself, telling people, its okay. 

I'm thankful that despite the operation, my operation was considered a small operation and the pain was much less and much more bearable than many other people or other type of operations. It is also not like cancer where after the operation I have to go for further treatment that have terrible side effects. 

I really feel that way especially when I watch medical shows or dramas and I see the pain that people underwent. I am thankful.

But I really think, because of the location of the scar, I really cannot get over the scar. Everytime it hurts (think because of the nerve growing) it reminds me of the scar. Everytime I brush my teeth and look into the mirror I see the scar. Doesn't help that I am left handed so I always lift my left hand and then I will see the scar. And the scar is not like something I can cover up with my clothes because it is located at the forearm. Unless I go wearing long sleeves everyday. Wear my hoodie. 

It's just a scar, but comestically is so ugly. At this moment, I really cannot get over it.

So today I have come to the end of my operation. It has been exactly 4 weeks. 

Last Tuesday I went to remove my stitches then he couldn't remove all of them because the middle was the tightest so it might split, so today went back to remove the rest of the stitches and he discharged me. 

So I ask him why he didn't use the dissolvable stitches, then he said because dissolvable stitches are very weak and may break, and if it breaks the whole thing will piak piak piak. But for the one he is using is stitch by stitch so even if one split the whole thing won't split. 

Then I asked this surgery is it normal GP also can do, then he say "Cannot lah. Cause it's very big." 

The stupid thing was while waiting for my turn, my stupid slipper broke. Thankfully Olivia came and brought me a pair of slippers after that. Before that, I was dragging my foot into the doctor room. The doctor asked me what happened to my feet and I said nothing. Haha too paiseh to say my slipper broke. 

I asked the doctor if it will come back. He said no it won't, not at the same place. Haha does it mean it will come back at another place. Anyway he praised my dressing very dry...of course I cling wrapped it before I bath. 

Halfway through when he was removing the stitches, the receptionist/nurse came in to ask him to sign a mc. And then the thing is, while he was signing, he poke a hole on the mc. And if its my mc I will be like wts. And while I was thinking about this, I realised that the receptionist forgot to ask me if I needed mc. Maybe I look like a student so they thought I school holiday🤭🤭. Anyway they gave a free bottle of hand sanitizer as souvenir. Haha I don't know why, probably they have too many. 

Me: So after this I can apply cream? 

Doc: Can, wait for 2 days during weekend. You want to apply SK-eleven ah? 

Insomnia

Recently I have been suffering from insomnia. I'm not sure why though. 

Maybe it's because 

- anxiety that it's December and the holiday will just end like that. 

- anxiety that I haven't been opening my laptop to work enough. Last I on my laptop was Tuesday. Last I worked was Wednesday. I don't know why I feel anxious when I don't work daily during the holiday but yet I feel like I'm not making good use of the holiday if I worked. 

- worried about the scar I'm going to have on my arm. 

Why why why. I used to very good at sleeping. 

I woke up at around 3.30am to go to the washroom. 

Then I started thinking about how 2020 sucks. And now it's 6.13am and I am still wide awake. Seriously Xiuwen?! 

My First Surgery

Last Thursday, I had my first ever surgery. So how did that happen? 

It's from the lump that I went to the doctor for on 10 October. So subsequently, the lump still didn't heal despite the cream. And everybody kept telling me that it was still very big and not getting better. so 9 Nov I went back again. Now that I blog about it, actually 10 Oct and 9 Nov are very far apart. 

During my visit on 9 Nov, he tried to squeeze the abscess, it was so freaking painful. The lump if you don't touch it it's actually okay, but if you knock into something or you touch it, then it was very painful. When the doctor squeeze it, it was so painful but nothing came out. So anyway he gave me antibiotics and then he told me to go back on Thursday if it doesn't get better. As I got the days wrong I thought it was Tuesday so I was like Huh Thursday so fast? then the doctor said okay then you come back by Saturday if it doesn't get better with the oral antibiotics. 

So Friday 13/11 I went back, because people kept telling me it's not getting better. However, it actually looks better to me. I think I am imagining that it's getting better but it's not. So the doctor was like oh no it's not getting better, then the very stubborn me said I think it's better. Haha, then he said it's not good enough, so he's going to refer me and ask me if there is any surgeon I wanted him to refer me to. I don't have because I never ever had surgery. Then he asked if I wanted him to refer or to go A&E then he said but this is not emergency right. So I let him refer me, and he referred me to Mount Alvernia and was telling me that this surgeon is very good. Haha, after that I found out that the GP and the surgeon are under the same company, so I guess that's why he referred me there. Then the doctor said he wanted to book an appointment for me on Monday, but the last week of school was actually a very busy week (I had to finished up my literacy programme on Tuesday and Wednesday, then Thursday I had Math programme and important meeting, then Friday I had another meeting in the afternoon - haha but also maybe because I'm scared so I wanted to procrastinate. So I said can next next week, then the doctor was like "you still want to drag?" then I said "if can..." then he said "okay lah, anyway you drag so long already." So he gave me another course of antibiotics and antibiotic cream. 

This was on 12 Nov night

Then my dog went to scratch the lump that night 13 Nov.

Surprisingly, next morning it looked better and I thought I had hope of avoiding the surgery. 

Then when I went back to school on Tuesday, my colleagues kept asking me to hurry go for surgery or just walk into A&E. Actually Tuesday I called the clinic to ask for estimated cost but they weren't able to give me the estimated course until I went for consultation so I said I will call them back cause I wanted to inform my boss before I book the date also. So then with my colleagues telling me that it's getting worse and later insect lay eggs inside, I finally called the the clinic again on Wednesday at around 5pm to make appointment cause just nice I was able to talk to my RO that day also. 

Me: Hi, I was referred by the GP to drain a lump. Can I make an appointment for next Monday. 
Receptionist: Okay. Our doctor is on leave until next Monday so just nice. By the way, what is it about? 
Me: I have an abscess, then the GP say need to drain. 
Receptionist: Is it infected? 
Me: Errr...I think it is. 
Receptionist: Oh then you better come down tomorrow, because it's an emergency. 
Me: Huh? Cannot next Monday?
Receptionist: Ohh, because if it's infected, then we don't want to drag anymore. I can give you an appointment at 9.30. 
Me: Oh because my work....
Receptionist: We will give you MC or a timesheet. 
Me: Okay.....

Receptionist: By the way, which clinic was you referred from? 

Me: Healthway compassvale

Receptionist: What is your doctor name? 

Me: Dr Chong...Dr Vincent Chong

Then she kind of laugh, so I know that the GP always refer people there. 

Receptionist: Okay, so tomorrow 9.30am, we will send you a reminder SMS. You need to fast in case you have to do any test or procedures, so from 6am onwards you cannot eat anything. 

Then the moment I made the appointment, I started to panic already that I couldn't focus on working anymore and started pacing around. 

So Thursday morning, I went to Mt Alvernia Medical Centre. It's really a rich person's hospital, it's so hard to get there via public transport. So when I went in, he saw the abscess? lump? cyst? then he said is really a bad infection ah. He drew for me what he can do. Is either he removed the lump and then leave it as an open wound which I will have to clean everyday (...imagine the pain) or he will need to cut long then stitch it up. So you know I get difficulties making decisions, so I ask him which one is better, and he said that stitching it up will be less troublesome. Then he said, shall we do the surgery today. I'm like thinking what....I'm not readyyyyy. So I asked if I can do next Monday. He asked me back why you want to do next Monday, you know if you do next Monday later become bigger then need to cut longer. Then I went, oh because I'm very busy this week. So he went I will give you hospitalisation leave. I will give you 2 weeks HL or maybe 3 weeks. Then I said oh but holiday already, then he went I know the work in school never ends during holiday, my parents were primary school teachers. So we do today? I can do for you at 3.30pm. Then you know when people ask me like that I can't reject, so I said okay. Then he said will do under GA. I went huh GA, not LA ah. Then he said if you want LA also can, but then you will hear me talking to the nurses, asking for equipment and then I will burn the blood and you will smell a burning smell. So you think I still want LA, so I said okay GA GA. During the process, he was asking me about dyslexia and MTL exemption, I probably should have charged him consultation fees also since his consultation so expensive. 

I went outside to wait for the receptionist to give me financial counselling. While I was waiting, I was settling all my work stuff and at the same time panicking. After I was done with the estimated finances, then I went over to Mt Alvernia Hospital to do the admission. 

 Waiting for admission registration was quite a long wait. Waited for almost 40 minutes? but the registration was fast. Then after registering and e-filing to my insurance and giving my credit card details, waited for somebody to call me and bring me to the ward. At the ward, I waited at the triage room for the nurse to call me. Haha, I was so worried they will forget me at the triage room. When the nurse came, she brought me to take my height and weight. I lost another 1kg! but the disastrous thing is I became short by 0.9cm from my usual height and 1.9cm from my tallest height. Then they sent me to my bed. Haha I showed them my lump then I said I saw the GP, GP gave me antibiotics. Then the nurse said don't worry, they will test the lump then they will give you another antibiotics. What your GP give you? Augmentin right? GP always give Augmentin and my GP really gave Augmentin. Haha two nurses took my statistics were very nice. Then they gave me my surgery gown to change into. I took so long to change into the gown because I legit don't know how to wear it. Then I thought I wore it right, another nurse came in I asked if I wore it correctly then she said actually no. Hahahaha, so I changed again. Then I waited around/on my bed. It's actually very stressful, because you see people coming back, then you hear them complaining about being nausea or pain. Then after that I was kind of worried of the effects of GA - cause vomiting is a terrible feeling. 

I typed until here then I realised my previous post already covered some of what I have typed but it's okay. 

So while waiting for my surgery, I couldn't sleep at all because I was so anxious so most of the time I was just using my phone. At about 3pm the person came to push me to the operating theatre. Haha, I think I looked very stress because the person asked if its my first time having surgery. 

Before you go into the operating theatre they will do a last check with you. Any medical history? Any drug allergy? And making sure you have nothing on you, and my ear sticks were still in my ears so I had to take them out and put them in a bag. Went in I saw the anesthologist first and he looked at my veins and said my veins were very thin. Then he went on to poke me. I'm so scared of pain but I cannot drama. Then he was asking me about my medical history and then I spoke so soft he said "is it my ears got problem or you speak very soft?" Then because they are operating on my left arm and my right arm has the needle, they had to monitor my blood pressure using my right leg. After he injected the GA I think within 3 seconds I fell asleep, just like that. 

Then the next moment I woke up already and was at the after surgery resting area. And then I kept sneezing, I think its too cold. The first question I asked was what time is it now? The nurse said it was about 4 I looked at the clock it was about 4.10pm. Then the doctor came and said the lump was very big. Then they pushed me back to the ward. The person told me not to come down and call the nurse if I needed anything then I asked her if she can help me take my phone. I'm such a phone addict. Then I started to be on my phone again. Usually after GA people will just sleep. Then the nurse came and said so fast you using phone already. Then my doctor came and gave me my medicine. He asked me if it's painful, so I said no. Then he said is because of the LA, and I will probably feel the pain at 5am, so he said after my food I can start taking my pain killer already. My father came to pick me home - I didn't want him to come with me because I'm the kind of the person if there is something familiar I will get more anxious and more likely to cry hahah. So I had my pork porridge, ate my medicine, changed and took out the needle - and I'm ready to go. Hospital food is really no joke, it tasted absolutely no taste. 

I was very energetic after I woke up, at the hospital, on the way home and at home. That was until 9 plus when I suddenly felt a bit dizzy and felt like vomiting. Then I vomited, not once but twice. And then I started to get tummy pain also, so I decided to just go to bed. Can't eat another painkiller so I ate panadol and also put ointment. But...the pain was so painful until 12 plus and I still wasn't asleep. It's really pain until cannot sleep. I thought its the side effects of the antibiotics cause previously when I first ate Augmentin I had very bad diarrhea. Anyway next day I called the clinic and they said that those were the side effects of the GA. So my side effects were actually very laggy. 

On Tuesday (24/11) went back to the clinic again for review. 

Doctor: Wow it's really very nice. Do you want to take a picture.

Me *in my head*: so ugly

Doctor: It's really very nice. You want to take picture? I can help you to take.

End up I didn't take, but I took it myself. Then the doctor said my selfie skill very good then I was thinking huh need selfie skills one to take, but after that I realised maybe he was expecting me to take photo with the stitches not of the stitches. After that he helped me to change my dressing, and I probably can remove the stitches 2 weeks later on 8th Dec. Omg time flies, so fast it's going to be the end of my holiday.

I shall spare you the photo of the stitches...it's too gory

Such a long blogpost but I just really wanted to pen down what happened.

Though surgery sounds bad, I'm just glad it's not something worse.

Though I probably have to live with long scar (I will spam it with anti-scar cream and hopefully it goes away), I'm glad it's not something worse.

Though it cost a lot of money, I'm glad it's not something worse that will cost more money.

Anxiety

It's 3.46am and I just had a weird dream and I can't sleep. Thats why I'm blogging because of the anxiety. 

So the lump on my hand didn't get better so I visited the doctor for the third time last Friday and he referred me to a surgeon at Mt Alvernia for incision and drainage. I wanted to go next Monday but my colleagues kept asking me to go to a&e and maybe they can do immediately cause its not getting better. But like abit weird to go to a&e.over this. Anyway I called up Mt Alvernia for an appointment. So supposed.to book for next Monday right. Then the person said the doctor is on leave until next Monday so just nice. Then she asked if there's an infection so I said I think so because all abscesses are infection ma. Then she said if its infected then don't want to drag anymore and to come down tomorrow (which is today) and she will give me an appt at 930 for the consultation, but honestly fml okay, I wasn't expecting that.

The moment I knew that I have to go down tomorrow, my anxiety started to kick in. Is like I suddenly blank out and couldn't work anymore and started to pace around. 

The surgery may or may not be done tomorrow (honestly? I hope not) 

Wishing myself all the best and I hope I can be brave. 

A visit to the doctor

So today I went to the doctor because of a lump on my arm for 2 weeks already. Usually I wouldn't bother and let it heal on its own, then my colleagues kept saying that need to see a doctor. 

When I woke up today, actually it felt better like smaller and less painful but people still encouraged me to go to the doctor just in case.

Doctor: good morning. Its still morning right, looks at watch. Yes its still 11, but left with one more minute. 

Me: Actually its getting better already.

Doctor: why you come when its getting better not earlier. 

Me: cause my colleagues asked me to come. 

Which brings us to another topic 

Doctor: Actually im more concern with you taking the vaccine. 

Me: *Give awkward laugh* 

Doctor: are you the kind who is scare of needles. 

Me: Yes!

Doctor: What if I jab not painful? 

Me: But you jab is painful 😂

Hahaha at the moment, I think I hurt his feelings. 

Anyway I lost weight, I think I'm at the lightest I have been for 10 years. Actually I don't know cause I hardly weigh myself at home until I started visiting this doctor. So he always ask me to lose weight. And now I lost weight he never praise me, I xiao sad. From the last time I saw him, I lost 3kg and from the heaviest I have ever been weighed at the clinic, I lost 6kg. Hahaha I think partly because yesterday I didn't eat lunch then this morning didn't eat breakfast. I lost weight very unhealthily though, by skipping most of my lunch at work. I eat lunch almost once every 2-3 weeks nowadays at work. The last time I ate lunch in school was 28th Sep. I hope my weight can go down by another 5kg then I think I will be at the perfect weight. 

I hope I follow and put my antibiotics cream, cause I'm so lazy. 

Aging

Turning 30 today. Is damm scary when you hit the big 3 because it's like really no longer young. 

When I was in my twenties, 30 seems so far away and in a blink of eye, it is here. Today I saw a video, 

At 30, 

When you die, people will say you die too young. 

When you are alive, peoplr will say yoi sre no longer young. 

And doesnt help that Im afraid of growing old and growing fat. Sadly, these two are linked. When you grow old, your metabolism will drop. Today my brother eZ saying, do you know that at 30, your metabolism start to drop to half. 

At 30, 

I wish I can win my 7million toto soon 😂

Have good health and happiness 

And for everyone around me to stay healthy and happy too. 

Thursday is the start of PSLE, wishing them all the best! 🤞

Tomorrow is never guranteed

Yesterday was the last day of xiao gui wake. 

16 September I was at work and my friend sent me an article that xiao gui has passed away. I was so shock and thought that it was fake news, but after googling, there were so many articles about it. My heart broke a little. I went to his instagram and he posted on his story just 23 hours ago. 

He was part of my of my teenage years. I think the time I became more familiar with them was when he started hosting on yu le bai fen bai. Everytime at 5pm? I will be in front of my tv watching channel u. I used to blog alot and it's really great for me to look back on. His concert, his drama. Looking back Im about to realised his concert was so long ago in 2012, and how I thought he has worked hard and his concert was great even though I dont know most of the songs. 

He is at the peak of his life, gaining more popularity as he host Mr Player, and his life just ended like this. Just a tear in the artery and the life is gone. I cannot imagine if there is a spirit/soul, when he looks at his body, what will he be thinking. 

Looking at what his fans and other artists are posting about him, he must have been a really great guy. He has fulfilled alot during his life time. They say good people die young because they have achieved enough in their life or because they should not suffer in this terrible world. 

Life is really unpredictable. Xiao gui exercises to keep fit, abstain from sweet stuff and have been going for yearly healthcheck after he found out he has hereditary kidney issue and the three highs. 

Nobody's tomorrow is guranteed. 

I wonder I can't/don't sleep

Is it because I am not tired or is it because Im so afraid that work is going to start? 

生命

You know, they said that horse has the worst luck this year. I think is true. 

First, **** colleague at work. It's the first time I met such a person.  

Then, the covid virus and CB. 

Then, my dog fell sick. It started last week where he had an eye bump and cause of CB, vet asked me to observe first. On Monday, suddenly I saw him bleeding very badly (apparently he has abscess) and he was also limping, so I called the vet and managed to make an appointment. Thursday brought him for wound cleaning. His leg seems to be better but his eyes seems to have gotten worse...wound Im not so sure. I really panic when I saw him bleeding, I really wonder how am I going to cope when he pass on. I will probably  疯掉。

Then today, my grandpa passed away. Got news in the morning he was in critical condition as his BP was very low and in the evening he was gone. We didnt get to see him because of CB. And I am very upset with St Andrew Community Hospital because in the morning they told my uncle all of us can go but 2 at time go up. One hour later when some of us were otw they said miscommunication is only the 4 people registered with them during the CB who can go. What kind of miscommunication is this?! 

With everything going on, it really makes me think what for work so hard, what for save money (some save for their children but I dont have), we dont even know when we will die. 

With all this shit going on, I hope things will get better...

Partial Lockdown?

Didnt expect Singapore to go into "partial lockdown" so quickly. I didnt expect this day to come so quickly, although many other countries are doing it. Hearing alot of information from difference sources and PM Lee speaking at 4pm set people off in panic buying. I was at work when listening to PM Lee on FB live. 

From next tuesday onwards, all non-essential work places to close and no more eating at food places. Only delivery of dabao. 

From next wednesday onwards, all schools will be doing HBL. 

As much as possible, avoid going out and also socialising, unless for essentials. 

I think I will really grow fat this one month because I walk quite a lot at work and I have been skipping lunch at work-some weeks eat no lunch some weeks eating once. At home, sure cannot skip meals. 

Nonetheless, Singapore had overcame SARS and Im sure we can overcome this Covid-19 too. 

#stayhomestaysafe

累了

心很累。

I am so tired I really feel like I'm going to break. 

Have been in office 11 hours everyday for a few weeks except the time happy had to basic groom and I brought my laptop home to work after and skipping my lunch. My lunch has been replaced with chocolates and milo. Even weekends I was on-ing my laptop.

我是真的真的很累. I feel like I am going to collapse. I just need to endure and hopefully things will get better.